There is no shortage of stress in the holiday season, and one of the sources of strain and worry is often gift giving. Who do I need gifts for? Do I have enough gifts? Are they good enough, expensive enough, authentic enough?
The key is to not overthink it, says Dr. Patrick Barclay, professor of psychology in the College of Social and Applied Human Sciences at the University of Guelph. Barclay is an evolutionary psychologist whose research explores such topics as social psychology, altruism and decision making.
“We can’t meet all the pressures and that’s okay,” he says. “Holiday gift giving is only part of a much longer relationship with our friends, loved ones and co-workers. One great gift won’t make up for a year of neglect, and one weak gift won’t destroy what you’ve built up in an otherwise great relationship.”
You can show your love and care for someone with the amount of money you spend, how much time or effort you put into a gift, or how well the gift shows that you see and understand the recipient.
“The best gift I ever received was a memory book that my partner created by tracking down old photos and secretly contacting all my friends to contribute,” Barclay says. “It cost very little, but it was extremely thoughtful and took a lot of effort, so I still appreciate it years later.”
Gift giving doesn’t always mean spending money, gratitude is key
Sometimes, a thoughtful gift can be much more impactful than gifting someone an expensive item that in the end, they really did not even want. It can be tricky to navigate sometimes. Gifts can elicit an array of emotions because the tradition of gift giving is often viewed as an expression of how much you value someone.
That can make it awkward when one person gives a “better” or more valuable gift than another, creating a false imbalance where someone can be left feeling undervalued.
One way around this, Barclay says, is making a pact not to exchange gifts, like some friends and couples do. Or, understanding that relationship dynamics create an imbalance naturally, such as a parent giving gifts to a child.
“Reciprocation doesn’t need to be in the same currency, because money, thought, time and effort are all valuable,” Barclay says. And the most important thing is gratitude. “People who show gratitude value the giver more and are more likely to reciprocate at a later date.”
Where possible, Barclay suggests planning in advance and having small, generic gifts on hand like chocolates or wine for those moments where you might receive unexpected gifts.
Above all, humans are complex, and it is inevitable that a gift will be too big, or too small, or mismatched to the recipient. But it really is the thought that counts.
“We need to give people some benefit of the doubt about their gifts, and they should do the same for us,” Barclay says. “Enjoy it when it goes well and shrug it off when it doesn’t.”
Dr. Barclay is available for interviews.
Contact:
Dr. Patrick Barclay
barclayp@uoguelph.ca